But just a few short days later, I realized a few things. I couldn't do this alone. And I ran right back to my Mom. We met and had a heartfelt conversation where I told her how sorry I was for so many things. She helped me make a plan and through a connection she had, I landed a job. It was a temporary two week assignment. And in those two weeks I did the best I could. I was the best paper folder you have ever seen. I had something to prove. I didn't want to let my Mom down or her friend who gave me the job. When the assignment ended I was asked if I would like to stay for another job. I did. And this pattern kept going until I was eventually hired by the company and I moved up into a sales position. I had it made. I had everything I needed. Good marriage. Good job. Good car. Good home. Every basic need met. But I began to feel empty. I didn't try to fill it with anything new; no shopping sprees or new clothes, or anything like that. I just kept doing what I had been doing. Get up and go to work like I had been doing for the past 5 years. Still trying to prove that I was good. A good worker. A good person. Good at not letting anyone down in my job or otherwise. In the year to follow though, my work environment changed. I began to see things I didn't like. And I didn't agree with. It made me anxious. I had a desire to leave this good job but felt I wasn't good enough to get another job like it. I felt trapped there. I would wake up every morning not wanting to get out of my bed to go to work. But I had to. I couldn't let anyone down. And I would try to convince myself that having everything I needed, I should be happy.
But I was so unhappy. Depressed and anxious. This pattern went on for about a year and someone suggested I see a doctor. I sat there answering her questions, filling out some paperwork and thinking I can’t believe I am here right now. This place of such loneliness. The doctor gave me a diagnosis and some pills. I still felt alone. Still waking up every morning trying to convince myself to be happy, cheering myself on. But the work environment was getting worse. I was getting worse. Although I didn't have a place to go and I didn't have a plan, I made a decision to leave. Although I didn't want to let anyone down, somehow, some way I knew this was right. A few short weeks later my last day came. I was super anxious. I needed a plan. But I didn't have one. And then I got an unexpected call from my Mom. She invited me to come with her for a weekend trip. She had planned to attend with her sisters but at the last minute they weren't able to come. Fresh out of my own plans, I agreed to come. And I found myself at a Women’s Christian Conference I’d never heard of. It was an unfamiliar environment. Loads of women everywhere. Loads of them. Laughing, crying, singing, hugging. Hands raised, worshiping. Now I hadn't been in church in years but I never saw anything like this. I had never heard songs like this. I had never seen worship this way. It was unfamiliar but, at the same time I wanted to worship like that. And I knew I was right where I was meant to be. Because God had a plan. He had a plan to speak to me. To hear his word:
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phil 4:6-7
Out of a room of 10,000+ ladies I was sure this was just.for.me. I was broken. lonely. anxious. But He said, “You don’t have to be. Come to me. I have a plan. I will give you peace. I will guard your mind.” I had a decision to make. When I was 7 years old I had asked Jesus into my heart. But all these years later I realized I was living my own life. And I wasn't really living. And that made me anxious. God had a plan for me but I had made my own. I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. Be somebody. Prove who you are. Prove you are good. But that’s not God’s plan. God’s plan is that I know Jesus. Personally. Intimately. Allow Him to be first in my life. To lead my life. To have peace.
So my plan failed. I went down the wrong road and it led me into the wilderness. And not understanding many things, I desired to let go of my plan; my successes and my failures and seek God’s plan. And I prayed. I ran. Ran back to Jesus. I confessed that I couldn't do this alone. I asked for forgiveness. I was so sorry for so many things. And I felt a peace. And I trusted His plan for my life. His way. And He made a way. And I am eternally grateful. I put my trust in Jesus. And He guards my heart. And I don't have to worry. About anything. Claiming that.